We all ask ourselves why these Coachella people are so hell-bent on wearing shitty tourist versions of Native American headdresses. Through research and careful study, I have finally determined why.
These are the descendents of the Coach-hell-ha* tribe originally based in California. This tribe was started by a guy named Whitey McAsshole, a well-to-do man of his day, in the 1880s. He saw Native Americans being oppressed all around him, usually by him, and became very upset at all the attention they got from liberal hippies. Why doesn’t anyone want to give me smallpox blankets? he asked himself. And why are my suits so boring and old-West-ey? He decided to kill two birds with one stone (literally, they were getting on his nerves) by wearing a colorful headdress for funsies. The Native Americans he hadn’t chased out of the area protested that their cultural heritage wasn’t a costume to be appropriated while doing drugs in the dirt, but who cared what they thought, anyway — they didn’t even speak American good or have lots of money. Besides, it was racist against whites when Native Americans spoke.
And so the tradition of the colorful headdress spread amongst the McAssholes and their friends. They adopted many other rituals, too, such as wearing bras as shirts, desperately trying to get into VIP tents by saying they know Katy Perry, and limiting the voting rights of everyone who looks different. The spirit of the Coachella tribe has extended far and wide, but they gather once a year in California to celebrate their roots and dance very awkwardly with no rhythm and stupid arm movements that usually end with an elbow to someone’s eye and sloshed, lukewarm beer. It’s a beautiful sight, one that everyone should avoid at all costs.
*Coach-hell-ha is actually pronounced “Romney.”